Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Wingnut Diet: How to feast like a Patriot

From Renato at BJ

Dear Prospective Republican:

Congratulations! You’re just one small step from joining God’s Own Party!

Please fill out the attached form in full. Also, please be sure to read in full the 3 pages long (front and back) document which contains the Republican Dietary Laws, which are summarized here:

1) Whenever ordering a philly cheese steak, first make sure to enquire as to which cheese the locals like to put on theirs. Failure to do so may result in your being branded as an elitist.

2) Diet soda is for fags.

3) When selecting mustard as a condiment, please ensure that it is common yellow American mustard. No imported french mustards, not even Grey Poupon (even if it is made in America). “French’s” mustard, though technically permissible, should probably be avoided for obvious reasons.

4) No Heinz ketchup.

5) No imported beer. Bud and Coors are acceptable, in that order of preference. Miller is not acceptable.

6) Consumption of the following fresh vegetables is permitted: iceberg lettuce, ‘regular’ tomatoes, celery, corn, carrots and cucumbers. Any other variety of lettuce such as romaine lettuce or butter lettuce is prohibited. When choosing a salad dressing, a good choice is 1000 Island or Ranch. Never select anything with the word ‘vinagrette’ in its name. French dressing is right out.

Arugula is for fags, as are organic vegetables. All other vegetables should be consumed cooked and topped with butter or as heavy of a cream sauce as possible.

7) Eat as much red meat as possible. This really pisses off PETA, vegetarians, and Al Gore. As we all know, the ultimate goal of conservatism is to annoy liberals as much as possible.

8) All grocery shopping should be done by your girlfriend or wife. Should you be required to go to the grocery store as well (perhaps to give her instruction in how to properly follow these dietary laws), do not push the cart as this is a sign of an emasculated boyfriend or husband. Do not shop at Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods or other pinko commie elitist grocery stores such as these. When asked ‘paper or plastic’, request that your purchases be bagged individually and triple-bagged with non-recyclable plastic bags. Discard the excess bags in the parking lot. This also annoys Al Gore.

Finally, please be sure to read and sign the “I Am Not A Secret Fag” document. It’s just a formality but we’ve had a real problem with this lately so it is necessary. Be sure to remember that it still counts as faggotry if you only pitch and never catch. If you don’t know what this means, don’t worry about it. We don’t want you getting curious.

Welcome to the Republican party! You betcha!

Hippity-hoppity yours fo’ shizzle,

Michael Steele

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